Thank you to everyone who responded to what I posted earlier this morning. He came to my room this morning and I let him read everything of how I was feeling. We both apologized and agreed that I learned my lesson and he said he couldn’t sleep last night either.
It’s nice to know people care and I really appreciate everything I was told. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart!
and it’s all my fault. It’s like i’m bipolar. it’s 2am and I have a 9:25 in the morning in which I have to take two quizzes. I’m sorta prepared but after tonight I really don’t want to do anything including sleep. I’m sitting in the quiet room in my dorm hall 3 floors under my actual room. Why? Because the love of my life wanted me to leave his room. And the worse part is I would’ve kicked me out too. In truth he said, “i’m about ready to ask you to leave/go downstairs(aka back to my room).” So I took it upon myself to leave abruptly with all my stuff including slamming the door. Note taken to apologize to his roommate for the disturbance.
I was in fact being a royal bitch and I’m surprised that he hasn’t broken up with me, maybe that’s coming in the morning. You see lately my depression has been getting the best of me and me being on my period hasn’t helped much either. I’ve been moody, irritable, not nice, and tonight I was just plain infuriatingly mean. I was bringing up stupid shit just for the sake of arguing and said shit that I know he took the wrong way and I didn’t correct or clarify what I meant. I’m glad he didn’t take my shit, this was a wake up call. I really need to change something.
Why am I complaining? Because I don’t know how we will recover from this. Yes what he said hurt, it so much I cant even begin to explain. Of course I wanted to be angry and I was. I was so mad at him like I have never been before, I wanted to say more hurtful things do something to show him how that felt but honestly…I knew the reason why it hurt so much was because he was right and I knew it. I knew I had fucked up big time and I know that that was the last thing he wanted to say to me which is why he didn’t directly ask me to leave. The next thing I felt was fear, fear of what that meant. That maybe that was the last time i’d leave his room or be in it. That I wouldn’t get a second chance, that he was done with me or that this had gone too far.
I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t think sorry is enough. What do you say when sorry isn’t enough? When you keep making the same mistakes and when you can see yourself hurting the person you love when all they want to do is make u smile. I cried for over an hour straight, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I’m still shaking and I can barely type this with how swollen my eyes are. I have never felt something so shattering. What was even worse was that he didn’t come downstairs. He didn’t text me. I know he won’t. But he always does. It hurts so much I want to scream, I couldn’t because my roommate is sleeping. It feels like he doesn’t care but I think he still does. What’s still worse is that I hate myself so much more than anyone else could.
Not to wallow in my own self pity or anything let’s just go further into how shitty I actually feel. My own roommate didn’t care to even ask or glance at why I was literally curled into a fetal position on my bed crying for over an hour. She was too busy with her friend that is currently asleep in her bed with her. Which just made cry even harder because I should’ve have been cuddling with my baby upstairs not down there with her. I couldn’t or didn’t want to call any other friends because I knew they were either sleeping or with their boyfriends enjoying their night.
I know I love him because if I didn’t I would not NOT be feeling this fucked up that I don’t want to sleep but i’m not going to disturb him. If he is having a peaceful sleep without me then good, I hope he is. God, I feel sick to my stomach! How could I do this, why did I fuck up such a beautiful thing? No that’s selfish. How could I make him feel that way, treat him so badly and disgustingly?
The point being that I felt so alone, so utterly alone, something I haven’t felt in months. I felt trapped inside with no escape because the only person, the first person I would talk to about this situation is the same exact person that didn’t want me. I felt so unloved, so unwanted in that moment it was enough for me to pray I never feel that way again.
I miss him. Here I am crying again. I knew I would. I’m at the point where i’m slowly getting sleepy because I have exhausted myself emotionally and mentally. All I can think about is him. Imagining his face, his eyes and smile always looking at me like i’m some kind of light, with love. I want to hear his voice and god even my blanket smells like him! I don’t even have a shirt to wear of his..It’s one night and I can’t fuckin stand it! I can’t! It’s killing me! I just want him to hold me, put his forehead against mine and fall asleep like we do every night. I wanna hear him say he loves me and I want to say it back. I want him to feel all the love, adoration, happiness that he makes me feel. I want to lock hands with his and hear his heartbeating. Even his stupid snoring which I find adorable. I don’t care that we share a tiny ass twin XL bed just as long as I share it with him because this is unbearable. It’s so completely horrible and I hate it. I just love him I really do.
You don’t what you have, what’s truly important, until you don’t have it anymore.
I send this message to say Sorry
If I can turn back time I will undo it
Sorry.You can take it or leave it. If you leave it, I’ll send in another message till you accept it.
Why do I always push you away when I need you the most? It’s like my mind don’t want me to be happy..
I swear I’m a curse to everyone, everyone I’m close to gets hurt, it’s all my fault I’m just bad luck, I don’t blame people for staying away from me and not wanting me, if I had the chance I wouldn’t be near me either